I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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