Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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