i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
