Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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