His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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