New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
