Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
