the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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