Four minutes until I can fart!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
