I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
