I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Someone came in the potted fern
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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