So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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