are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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