What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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