i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
