Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
