1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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