drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
