in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
