I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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