my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
