I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
