Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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