I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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