Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
