Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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