You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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