i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
