I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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