did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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