Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
