I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
