when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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