Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
