Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
