Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize