I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
