There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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