Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
