Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
