how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
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