We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
