The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
