Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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