i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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