if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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