It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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