i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
