im having a threesome with these popsicles
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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