there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
