I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're a waste of cheezeits
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
