I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
how drunk are you?
Several
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
