Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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