This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
