it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
