I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
