I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
