You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
