So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
