if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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