tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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