I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
